Food Finds Friday!

Well, if I'm going to go through with this "bring the Curmudgeon" back thing, I guess it'd make sense to have some content, eh? And lucky you -- today's Friday, so it's the long-awaited (by someone, I'm sure) return of Food finds Friday! Today's subject: Cinnabon Cinnamon Bread with Cinnamon Bursts!

I know what you're thinking: sweet creamery butter, Curmudgeon! Why in the world would someone want to take something universally avowed as awesome (Cinnabon), and add it to something so mundane as bread? Isn't keeping the Cinnabon pure and un-combined-with-other-foods the way to go?

To which I say, "Yes, in a sane and logical world, that would be correct. But we're not living in a sane and logical world, are we?" Thus, we have this:

Does not compute.

At first glance, it looks like something perfectly harmless (if a bit over the top): bread containing "bursts" of cinnamon-sugar goodness that are purported to taste like a piping hot Cinnabon. The concept seems simple enough, especially given our propensity for consuming mass quantities of bready goodness.

But lurking under this unassuming facade is a nefarious secret: Cinnabon Cinnamon Bread with Cinnamon Bursts is evil. Don't believe me? Check out this chart for irrefutable evidence!

Indisputable.

You see, friends, while combining the best qualities of a mall-based, calorie-laden treat with a staple of the modern diet may seem pretty tame, I think it actually presages the end of society as we know it. Let's review a few key facts, shall we?

1. Everybody has to eat
2. Everybody loves Cinnabon
3. Everybody loves bread
4. Put the two together, get people hooked, wait for the worldwide economy to collapse, offer free Cinnabon Cinnamon Bread with Cinnamon Bursts as a means of controlling the post-apocalyptic landscape
5. Profit

See how this works? Friends, I kid you not when I say this stuff is a loaf of crack, as far as I'm concerned. Forget the fact that it's delicious, especially when toasted and slathered in butter. Forget the fact that it's a mere 150 calories per slice. Even forget the fact that it's available in grocery stores and Wal-Marts near you. Because once you try this stuff, you'll be hooked, and it's only a matter of time before you're putting armor on a dune buggy, wearing an eye patch, and raiding the camps of nuclear blast survivors for bottled water and camouflage pants. Trust me on this.

I give Cinnabon Cinnamon Bread with Cinnamon Bursts 3 Rolls on the Inner Fatty Fat Roll scale for taste, and 5 Black Helicopters on the Inner Paranoid Conspiracy Theories scale. This stuff is delicious, but watch out: after one taste, you're hooked, and it's just a short ride to mind control, mass hysteria, and "re-education" camps. Consider yourself warned.